


loyal

by Aubrelin



Category: NCT (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Sex, Loneliness, Longing, M/M, Taemin is a masochist, Taemin misses Jonghyun, Ten may or may not be entirely human, he needs someone to watch him fall apart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aubrelin/pseuds/Aubrelin
Summary: There was something he missed now, every day, and it wasn't easy. He couldn't point it out, couldn't even call it missing Jonghyun, because it wasn't that simple.___Taemin is falling apart, and he needs someone there to watch him as he does.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Taemin, Lee Taemin & Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Lee Taemin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44
Collections: Destroy Me More





	loyal

**Author's Note:**

> This work features a lot of mentions of Jonghyun's death, which I know is a painful topic for a lot of us. Please look after yourselves. ❤
> 
> This is part of a much, much bigger story, which I have been working on for a few months, together with two of my friends. This can easily be read on its own, but it functions as somewhat of a snippet of something bigger to come. Keep an eye on the collection if you enjoy excessive pain.

He had been so alone, even when he had been surrounded by people. It had never been the same, never like it used to be. There was something he missed now, every day, and it wasn't easy. He couldn't point it out, couldn't even call it missing Jonghyun, because it wasn't that simple. What he missed was something else. Something that had everything to do with Jonghyun, yes. But it was something else. Not quite so easily explained or understood. Taemin hadn't even tried explaining it.

Jonghyun was his boyfriend. That's what he'd tell the others, when they talked about it and Taemin tried to explain why it hurt _so, so, so, so, so_ much. Not that they weren't all hurting. Of course they all were. But to Taemin it was different. Because it wasn't just Jonghyun. And it wasn't even just the fact that they were boyfriends. That had to do with it, but it wasn't it.

People had told them it'd get easier over time, when wounds would start to heal, but Taemin was finding the opposite to be true. The more weeks passed, the harder it was starting to become. Jonghyun's bed had been empty so long now, and Taemin was beginning to realise it would stay that way forever. He wasn't coming back, wouldn't be around anymore, and Taemin couldn't be with him.

But that wasn't the reason either. It wasn't Jonghyun's absence — that too, of course that too — but the fact that what the two of them had given each other had suddenly dropped away. It was no longer there. And Taemin realised only now how heavily he had relied on it. Because it wasn't _just_ love and support. It wasn't _just_ looking out for each other and taking care of each other. It wasn't _just_ kissing, sex, cuddling...

The problem was that Taemin couldn't explain what it was. Something deeper, something they had already been before they'd met, something they'd never had to explain to each other, because they'd always seen it, right from the start. It had brought them together. It was the reason they'd be alright— The reason they _should_ have been alright...

And now Taemin was without it and he had no idea what to do, because he felt how every day was getting a little worse, and Jonghyun wasn't here to do what he usually did when things got bad. And no one else would understand. Taemin had never talked to them about it. He _couldn't_ talk to them about it, because he didn't know how to explain it. Something about murder. Something about wanting to be alive and dead all at once. Something about that being _possible_.

No, of course no one would understand. It was crazy.

Taemin talked to him all the time. Somewhere in his mind he was always talking to Jonghyun. It was almost like he'd forgotten how to think without passing every thought on, to make sure Jonghyun would know. He would. He just wasn't here. They couldn't touch. They couldn't take the dive. They couldn't go down together so they could get back up after. It was just Taemin now. Jonghyun was always silent.

Taemin had promised he'd come to Jonghyun if he ever felt like he couldn't go on anymore. And that had happened once. Now Taemin wished he'd forced Jonghyun to make the same promise, but it hadn't felt right to ask that of him, almost like it wasn't Taemin's place, because he couldn't do what Jonghyun had done to him that night. But he could do other things. He could be there. Be there. Be there. And that had always been enough. But he hadn't been there on the day it had mattered most.

Silence.

The silence was slowly pushing him closer and closer to the edge, because talking to the silence wasn't good enough. It helped a little, but not enough. Because the silence wasn't climbing on top of him and pinning him down. The silence wasn't strangling him and reminding Taemin of what it felt like to be alive, and why he wasn't ready to stop yet. Because it felt good. So good. The silence didn't make him feel good. Not ever.

That's when it had become tempting. Taemin was crashing, he was plummeting down at full speed and there was nothing going to stop him from smacking into the end once he finally reached it. There was no one he could talk to who would get it. There was no one who could slow him down, let alone stop him. And there was — most importantly — no one who could watch him crash without doing a thing about it, but who could make sure Taemin survived by _being there_. Well... there was no one like that, save Ten.

Every day it became a little more tempting. Taemin didn't even get to see him most days, but that didn't matter. Taemin didn't have to see him to remember what it felt like to be in his presence. Even before he'd ever laid eyes on Ten he'd felt _something_. Something different about the space around him. Something that indicated someone was... off. And then, when he had seen him, Taemin had realised the full extend. Ten had looked him straight in the eyes, and Taemin had looked back, from halfway across a room full of people, who no longer seemed to be there at all. They had fallen silent, while Taemin had watched Ten and Ten had watched him. It had been just the two of them in a crowd. Taemin had known, then, that Ten could see straight through him and he _understood_. That one inexplicable thing. They both knew it.

Ten was out there. Taemin might not know exactly how to find him, but he was out there. And he probably knew Taemin wasn't managing, wasn't coping at all. Of course he knew. That's what they did; they knew and understood, without ever having been told a thing. So perhaps Ten was waiting for him, waiting for an invitation to come watch Taemin break apart, so he could set fire to the pieces.

_Please..._


End file.
